Category: Relationships

Everyday Salvation

“That’s frustrating”

I trained as a student minister for a whole year under a hospital chaplain. He once made the observation that you can respond to pretty much whatever anyone says with “That’s frustrating,” and you will find you have connected with them in a meaningful way. An exaggeration? Anyone, anytime? Yes, that’s an exaggeration—but not that much of one.

I never did actually try it, and would not recommend experimenting with people’s feelings. But I did try for a while imagining what it would be like responding with “That’s frustrating” to what people were actually saying, while responding more authentically (It may sound complicated, but it’s amazing what a mind—even mine— can handle). If you keep that response in mind in conversations you have, you may find it surprising how often it would actually fit the context. I take this as a measure of the level of frustration, or disappointment, anger, and anxiety that are inside us.

Consider the casual encounters we have any given day—perhaps more significant for many of us through a time when there has been a widespread experience of isolation. The words we share then are rarely profound. But do we ever in these encounters, with those scintillating comments on the weather, make eye contact? Probably not. But there is something to try. I have been making a point of this, and it can bring a subtle but important transformation to the brief experience. We communicate much more with brief eye contact (prolonged would be creepy) than with most words. And it may be the only connection of any kind that person might have for the day.  

Faith language uses the term “atonement” for (re)connecting the divine and human. Making connection with another living soul is itself a kind of salvation, overcoming alone-ness. In a real sense, we “save” one another by overcoming isolation. In our everyday chance encounters, there are faces to look into, and people need to see your eyes (so get those shades off).

And maybe check out this song, Searching Faces.

But What Does That Really Mean?

The news is exhausting. Not just all the pain and stupidity. It’s that everything requires interpretation. Even if and when someone in public is being straightforward in their speech, we might be forgiven for suspecting they are not. We are not unjustified in assuming everything we are hearing is spin.

You may find you suffer from this same sort of fatigue from dissembling, obfuscation and manipulation at work as well. I sure hope not (been there, and it’s awful). We would pray and work at, for sure, not wanting this kind of experience among those we count as friends, and most certainly not family. But it happens.

We can at least all resolve to let what people experience in us be authentic. In another, I will take flaws, oddballness, even monumental screw-ups over interpersonal dishonesty or double-speak.

Jesus said, “Let your word be ‘Yes, Yes’ or ‘No, No’; anything more than this comes from the evil one” (Matthew 5:47 NRSV). People had debased the practice of oath taking by using it in an attempt to cover their insincerity and deceitfulness. Better to just speak plainly.

Save us, Lord, from spin narratives with one another. We see enough of it on the news. May we not devolve into a world where everyone has to guess about everyone else.

Save the Games for Games

Working from home. Home schooling. I hope families together at home these days are playing games together too, with no one getting too serious. (I am long past being in that setting, but I like to think I’m a good sport at games, except Scrabble. I hate losing at Scrabble.) That would miss the point, if there is one, and it would make it too much like work, and the games in that setting. Home, of course, should be free of that kind of game. Manipulation. Control. Looking better than the other who is supposed to be part of your team. 

Here’s a theory: People who play those destructive kinds of games at work don’t have enough fun playing real games. They are too much at home in a setting where there are substantial egos, quite prepared to wield whatever weight they have. They attack a straw person version of you. They preface questions with “Please don’t take this personally, but …”, counting on others to assume any concern you have is because you are taking it personally, or being defensive, or taking it the wrong way, or not in “the spirit in which it is intended.” Right. 

It would be great if folks can be free of that. It is great if, at home at least, you can have the seemingly simple thing an astounding number of people eagerly long for: a real conversation,  not infused with some agenda. That would be great for all relationships: life partners, parents and kids, whoever (It’s probably not gonna happen with your cat, however).

It would be wonderful if the home can be what I once heard church referred to as: a therapeutic world (one reason among many why any kind of abuse is horrible in either setting). 

Bad Does Not Become Good

Good will come of this, even this pandemic. Yes, it is true. Perhaps we will re-prioritize, perceive and experience community in a better way, maybe have more meaningful greetings than a tossed-off, “Hi howya doin’?” But what is true does not always have to be spoken, at least not without great care for the circumstances of the intended recipient. The issue? Good can come from the bad; this does not make the bad good.

 Consider what you go through in a personal crisis (which might be the case now in conjunction with the public one). When you are in the midst of anxiety, uncertainty and pain, how helpful is it for some chronic advice-giver to come along and point out to you all the good that will come of it? Not very. Not at all. It just makes things worse. It is good and important, at some point, to find reason for gratitude in our circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18), but never for all circumstances. That would make the bad good. Good can and will come out of the bad. That is God’s doing. That means God is good, not our circumstances.

Let’s be careful about pointing out the good that will come from bad things. Some of us will be nowhere near ready to hear it.

The Use and Abuse of Names

I resist blaming aging for losing any facility for remembering names. It is a matter of basic respect and “you matter” importance. Just please don’t talk to me about ‘networking’ or whatever term is in vogue. Let’s credit people with the radar to detect, over time at least, when we have simply developed a skill that is for the purpose of developing connections in the interest of personal advancement. I know, that has its place in ‘the real world’ but let’s not assume it takes care of true personal engagement.

There is another aspect of the use of names that ought especially and enthusuasticaly to be eradicated.

I, for one, am wary of that person who begins everything said to you within a conversation with your name, sometimes spoken in what sounds like a sentence by itself.

I find it difficult not to suspect this kind of deployment of one’s  name as being anything other than a dominance device. Either blatantly deliberate and calculated, or habitually thoughtless, it will do the opposite of that which simply remembers and speaks names with honouring of personhood. It is, if calculated, objectifying and therefore abusive.

Names, like the persons to whom they belong, are precious. Name calling, on social media, at school lockers, or settings of work or worship (yes, i said worship), is a real and present scourge.

May we take great care with names.

Genesis 32:27-28.  Matthew 16:18

More Reason for One Another

More of us, internationally, are getting some form of dementia earlier. As reported in various media, a study published in the Surgical Neurology International Journal indicates early onset dementia, which used to occur in people in their late 60s, now is found in people in their late 40s.  And it’s not simply a matter of better diagnosis; it is suggested the rate of increase must involve environmental factors.

While it would be great if we could just fix those environmental factors, it is a sign we need, all the more, to practise care for one another, and not just leave it to professional caregivers to look after our loved ones. It is remarkable how often the Bible uses the words “one another.” There are dozens of “one another” sayings in the New Testament alone, among them, in the Epistles, “Offer hospitality to one another” (1 Peter 4:9), “Be devoted to one another in love” (Romans 12:10), “Keep on loving one another” (Hebrews 13:1), and from Jesus, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another” (John 13:34).

Our interdepency is not, however, just a “fallback” position for when things do not go as we plan. It is how we are meant to live all the time. Some things just remind of this more poignantly than others.

Nearby Unexplored Universe

There is exciting news for those who like to explore–vicariously at least–parts previously unknown to them. Apparently the big bang theory has been reinforced with a new discovery that is said to give a new window on the beginning of the universe. If you would like a view of something remarkable a little cliser to your space-time locationm there is now available a Street View opportunity to raft the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon.

But if we believe this–“Be devoted to one another in love. Honour one another above yourselves” (Rom. 12:10 NIV)–then there is a universe to be explored that is very close indeed. It is by trying to see the universe around you through the eyes of someone nearby. It is an important and revealing adventure. We just have to ask ourselves  honestly if we really want to see things through someone else’s eyes. But it could be a great personal breakthrough.

The Dangerous Mind

The co-editors of the book The Syria Dilemma have written in a New York Times opinion piece that there is an abundance of food just a few miles away from the blockaded areas where thousands upon thousands of Syrians are starving. Danny Postel and Nader Hashemi note that, according to the United Nations, about 800,000 Syrians are currently under siege. This sad state of affairs bears out the truth of a pattern of human behaviour described symbolically in the Book of Revelation, chapter 6. Conquest (white horse) brings conflict (red horse), leading to scarcity (black horse) and death (pale green horse).

We will all decry this situation as cruel and tragic, but we need to recognize that, on a personal level, our own mindset can also be cruel and tragic, when our mindset is controlling and manipulative. Let’s be honest; there’s some control freak in all of us. But some people actually know this about themselves and think it is well and good because, just like some leaders on the world stage, they have convinced themselves that their contolling behaviour is for the greater good, without realizing or caring what kind of damage they do, inevitably in the process. The controlling mind is a dangerous mind.

Let Her “Yap”

I was enjoying a DQ cone in the Oshawa Centre mall food court today, when I overheard a mom telling her young daughter (at least it seemed that was the relationship), “You talk too much. Nobody wants to listen to you when you are yapping all the time.”
Well, mom of the year, maybe “Nobody” is just you, and someday you will pray that she will “yap” to you–or somebody–when you are lying awake at night wondering what is going on with her.

Trance

“If only.” It’s a seductive mindset. It’s also a form of unconsciousness. Its appeal is clarity but its reality is obtuseness. It reduces complexities to single issues and singular ways of dealing with those issues. It creates villains, the elimination of whom/which will solve our current problem(s). And we all say it, do it, think it: If only …

It’s the most common mindset behind interniational and inter-ethnic strife and hatred. It’s at the heart of work and family conflict. It poisons our souls. It’s a way of ethically and relationally sleep-walking through life, and it’s time for us all to wake up.

That’s what I’m addressing in this Sunday’s message. Reading: Luke 13:1-9.